Why is change so difficult? While most people have a list of things they would like to change about their lives or themselves, few ever make progress in these changes. Gyms are filled in January with "New Year, New Me" individuals, but quite often see a reduction in attendance by February. The reason most people fail to make lasting changes is because of mental roadblocks keeping them where they are. What follows are 3 steps needed to make lasting change. Note, the title of this article does NOT state, '3 "Easy" Steps Needed to Make Lasting Change.'
Step #1: Stop Blaming the Past
Everyone has experienced negative events in their past to some degree. Some have experienced horrific traumas, and some have had tragedy befall them. These experiences shape our perceptions and often shape how our neural pathways develop. Growing up in an abusive family may have kept children in 'Survival Mode' too long, making their brains focus on the present without attention to long-term goals. Some people may have experienced severe trauma, which conditions their brain to avoid certain locations or even interpersonal relationships. Others are likely shaped by unhealthy relationships with negative individuals, causing trust issues or problems feeling comfortable. It would be safe to say everyone can look at parts of their past and cite reasons why they 'can't' do something in the present.
Well, to quote one of my favorite comic book characters, Rocket Raccoon, "Boo freaking hoo! Everyone has problems, you don't go using that to get other people killed!" While Rocket would likely not make a great therapist, the core of his statement has validity. By blaming the past, we give it power over us. Essentially, saying, "I cannot do this because of -whatever-" takes away our ability to control our lives and gives it to the abuser/trauma/etc. Many people use this as an ongoing excuse to rationalize why they cannot try to make changes. Blaming the past gives a justification for why trying will not work. The time has to come for everyone where they take responsibility for who they are now and where they go from here. Instead of blaming parents for a negative childhood, it takes someone saying, "My childhood wasn't great, but that isn't going to stop me from being in a loving relationship." There has to come a moment where each individual is ready to pull themselves out of the muck of their past and decide to be better. In doing so, responsibility has to be placed on oneself going forward, which can be uncomfortable for most people.
Step #2: Why Are You Doing What You Do?
Once blame is resolved, individuals must now turn their attention to examining their present behaviors, both positive and negative. This critical phase is essential for personal growth and self-awareness, and I like to refer to it as "Looking Under the Hood." This metaphor captures the essence of delving deep into one's internal mechanisms to uncover not only what behaviors are manifesting but also the underlying reasons behind them.
Engaging in this introspective process requires a significant amount of humility and brutal honesty. It demands that individuals confront uncomfortable truths about themselves and acknowledge the ways in which they may be engaging in behaviors that are likely causing roadblocks to their progress. For instance, there may be a pattern of self-sabotage that emerges when success appears to be within reach. This self-destructive tendency can manifest in various forms, such as procrastination, negative self-talk, or even making choices that undermine one's goals.
Additionally, some individuals may find themselves inadvertently pushing away supportive people in their lives. This behavior often stems from deep-seated fears of abandonment or issues related to trust. The instinct to create distance can be a defense mechanism, where the individual believes that by keeping others at arm's length, they are protecting themselves from potential pain or disappointment. However, this can lead to a vicious cycle where the very support that could help them thrive is rejected, reinforcing feelings of isolation and hindering their ability to foster meaningful connections.
To effectively "Look Under the Hood," it is essential to take a comprehensive inventory of one’s behaviors and motivations. This involves reflecting on past experiences and how they shape current actions, recognizing triggers that lead to negative behaviors, and understanding the emotional responses that accompany these actions. By doing so, individuals can begin to identify patterns and make conscious choices that align more closely with their true desires and values.
This step isn't easy, as it will likely become increasingly clear the further a person delves into their own behaviors just how they have inadvertently prevented positive change in their lives in the past. This introspective journey can be quite challenging and may evoke a range of emotions, including discomfort and unease, as individuals confront the less flattering aspects of their actions and decisions. Recognizing these patterns is often an eye-opening experience that can serve as a catalyst for personal growth and transformation. However, it is crucial to approach this self-analysis with a sense of objectivity and compassion, ensuring that one does not fall into the familiar trap of self-blame or harsh judgment.
Ultimately, the process of recognizing and addressing these behaviors is not merely about eliminating negative patterns; it is about fostering a deeper understanding of oneself and paving the way for healthier, more constructive habits that promote overall well-being and fulfillment. Embracing this journey with patience and perseverance can lead to profound personal growth and a renewed sense of purpose.
Step #3: Decide Which Pain You Are Willing To Deal With
Change, even healthy change, is difficult to implement. Getting outside of a comfort zone and trying something new can evoke feelings of insecurity and shame. There is a possibility this new change will not happen as fast as you would like and may take more effort than originally conceptualized. Take a common goal of getting healthier, which is something most people would like to do. Generally speaking, this can involve going to a gym, which usually comes with a financial burden. Then there is the time commitment. Lastly, comes the inevitable physical pain incurred when working out new muscles. All three of these represent a type of pain the individual must be willing to accept. To do so means a clear evaluation between this new pain and the pain of staying where they are currently. This is an aspect most people overlook as they have become accustomed to the pain they are currently living with.
Someone with a fear of being rejected may avoid social interactions or ignore individuals who are reaching out to them. This is a type of pain, as they yearn for contact. Going to social events and talking to people can be painful as the percentage of initial failings is high. One must be willing to adopt this new type/level of pain in order to achieve the goal of establishing an effective social group. Individuals must be willing to accept the pain of rejection when asking someone out on a date. Sore muscles must be tolerated in order to gain strength. This final step is not easy and will likely require multiple tweaks to ensure success. Imagine engineers literally going back to the drawing board as they design a new product. Much in the same way will be an individual wishing to make changes.
