Life is stressful, and a significant portion of the stress we experience comes from our interactions with others. These interactions can range from life crises involving family and friends to more fleeting encounters with strangers in various settings. These situations can elicit feelings of helplessness, anxiety, sadness, or even anger. Challenges posed by difficult strangers, whether they are rude customers, aggressive drivers, or unkind coworkers, can contribute to our daily stress levels, leaving us feeling drained and frustrated. However, it is important to recognize that not all stress is a direct result of these unavoidable interactions. In many cases, we unknowingly accept stress into our lives due to our difficulties in establishing clear boundaries between our personal experiences and those of others.
Our world is designed to provide us with unlimited amounts of information from every possible facet of life. While we might be the most informed generation in all of human history, some of the knowledge we are presented with causes unnecessary stress. When it comes to world politics, local community issues, or even celebrity gossip, we have to learn to make a choice to let this information impact us. Without making a clear choice to ignore some information, we can accept emotional reactions without truly being aware of it. It is vital to our personal mental health to know when to emotionally detach ourselves from certain information sources or from certain individuals. This is where the word "So" can be a valuable tool for you.
Understanding the Concept of Detachment
Detachment does not simply mean total indifference; rather, it is about maintaining a healthy emotional distance from situations and individuals. This nuanced understanding of detachment is crucial in navigating the complexities of human emotions and relationships. When we talk about detachment, we are referring to the ability to observe and assess situations without becoming overly involved or emotionally entangled.
In some cases, however, detachment could be a freeing decision not to involve ourselves at all in the drama/crisis/situation. This could be seen as emotionally 'walking away' from unnecessary stressors. It is an active choice to prioritize your own mental health and personal energy, rather than get concerned over someone else's actions.
This is not to suggest we become cold or unfeeling; instead, it encourages a balanced perspective where we can appreciate our own feelings while also recognizing the emotions of others without being overwhelmed by them. Mel Robbins wrote a wonderful book called "Let Them," which provides a detailed explanation of healthy detachment. In this book, they talk about choosing to let go of others' personal issues, which can be too tedious and exhausting for us to get involved in. By letting go of this unhealthy involvement, we are freeing ourselves from the burden of dealing with someone else's life.
How "So?" Facilitates Detachment
Using "So?" to detach in a healthy manner does not have to involve a verbal utterance of the word (although some individuals may need to hear it). Instead, saying "So?" internally can help provide clarity into the situation and give you an opportunity to pause and evaluate your own actions and involvement. Here are a few ways it can be beneficial:
Clarifying Intentions: When faced with a stressful situation involving others, "So?" can help clarify the situation, provide a moment of analysis, and help you prioritize what is important for you.
For example, two coworkers are arguing about personal politics and have asked you to join the conversation to determine who is right. By stopping to ask "So?" you give yourself a moment to evaluate if this conversation is important. You may decide it is not necessary to engage as it has nothing to do with work.
Shifting Focus: "So?" can help redirect conversations. Instead of getting drawn into drama that derails from the main purpose, saying "So?" helps refocus the issue.
For example, when planning an event, two individuals begin to argue over a detail, such as color schemes. By saying "So?" out loud, you help everyone in the group reprioritize the process, realizing color schemes are not a detail to focus on at this time.
Emphasizing Choices: Using "So?" can reinforce your autonomy. Oftentimes, we are pulled into other people's issues/drama, which can feel as if we are forced into narrowed decisions. By choosing "So?" you remove the emotional pull and help clarify the choices you can make.
For example, you are planning a night out with friends and several have chosen a particular restaurant, but one individual is worried about going and running into an ex of theirs. By using "So?" you emphasize the choice made by the group, instead of being pulled into potentially imaginary drama.
The Freedom in Letting Go
Choosing to detach from unnecessary stress can be liberating. Here are some benefits of this approach:
Reduced Stress: By stepping away from drama, you can lower your stress levels and improve your overall mental health.
Improved Relationships: Healthy detachment allows for more balanced relationships, where both parties can thrive without undue pressure.
Enhanced Self-Awareness: Detachment fosters self-reflection, helping you understand your own needs and desires better.
Practical Tips for Using "So?" Effectively
When you start using "So?" effectively, it will feel weird. You are setting an emotional boundary with yourself and with others, which can feel awkward. Let's face it, some people in your life will not like this new approach. Misery loves company, and people want others to join them in their stress, rather than see someone detach. To start, notice when you are feeling tense, stressed, angry, or even nervous in a social situation. Evaluate what is causing this emotional reaction and if you need to feel this way. Here are some scenarios:
Some celebrity just made a statement causing controversy. Your friend group is upset about this and getting emotionally charged talking about it. "So?" Do you really care what a celebrity said? Will this statement impact you personally on any level? Is this how you want to spend time with your friends?
Your favorite coffee shop has changed the color/size of their cups. The online community is having a fit. "So?" Does this change the taste of the coffee? Is this worth your precious energy? Will this even matter in 5 years?
Two of your friends have had a falling out over a political issue. They are refusing to talk to each other and want you to weigh in. "So?" Does this change how you value your friends? Is this really your fight? This is difficult, but ultimately can be very freeing.
