Why is change so difficult? While most people have a list of things they would like to change about their lives or themselves, few ever make progress in these changes. Gyms are filled in January with "New Year, New Me" individuals, but quite often see a reduction in attendance by February. The reason most people fail to make lasting changes is because of mental roadblocks keeping them where they are. What follows are 3 steps needed to make lasting change. Note, the title of this article does NOT state, '3 " Easy " Steps Needed to Make Lasting Change.' Step #1: Stop Blaming the Past Everyone has experienced negative events in their past to some degree. Some have experienced horrific traumas, and some have had tragedy befall them. These experiences shape our perceptions and often shape how our neural pathways develop. Growing up in an abusive family may have kept children in 'Survival Mode' too long, making their brains focus on the present without attention to long-term goals. Some people may have experienced severe trauma, which conditions their brain to avoid certain locations or even interpersonal relationships. Others are likely shaped by unhealthy relationships with negative individuals, causing trust issues or problems feeling comfortable. It would be safe to say everyone can look at parts of their past and cite reasons why they 'can't' do something in the present. Well, to quote one of my favorite comic book characters, Rocket Raccoon, "Boo freaking hoo! Everyone has problems, you don't go using that to get other people killed!" While Rocket would likely not make a great therapist, the core of his statement has validity. By blaming the past, we give it power over us. Essentially, saying, "I cannot do this because of -whatever-" takes away our ability to control our lives and gives it to the abuser/trauma/etc. Many people use this as an ongoing excuse to rationalize why they cannot try to make changes. Blaming the past gives a justification for why trying will not work. The time has to come for everyone where they take responsibility for who they are now and where they go from here. Instead of blaming parents for a negative childhood, it takes someone saying, "My childhood wasn't great, but that isn't going to stop me from being in a loving relationship." There has to come a moment where each individual is ready to pull themselves out of the muck of their past and decide to be better. In doing so, responsibility has to be placed on oneself going forward, which can be uncomfortable for most people. Step #2: Why Are You Doing What You Do? Once blame is resolved, individuals must now turn their attention to examining their present behaviors, both positive and negative. This critical phase is essential for personal growth and self-awareness, and I like to refer to it as "Looking Under the Hood." This metaphor captures the essence of delving deep into one's internal mechanisms to uncover not only what behaviors are manifesting but also the underlying reasons behind them. Engaging in this introspective process requires a significant amount of humility and brutal honesty. It demands that individuals confront uncomfortable truths about themselves and acknowledge the ways in which they may be engaging in behaviors that are likely causing roadblocks to their progress. For instance, there may be a pattern of self-sabotage that emerges when success appears to be within reach. This self-destructive tendency can manifest in various forms, such as procrastination, negative self-talk, or even making choices that undermine one's goals. Additionally, some individuals may find themselves inadvertently pushing away supportive people in their lives. This behavior often stems from deep-seated fears of abandonment or issues related to trust. The instinct to create distance can be a defense mechanism, where the individual believes that by keeping others at arm's length, they are protecting themselves from potential pain or disappointment. However, this can lead to a vicious cycle where the very support that could help them thrive is rejected, reinforcing feelings of isolation and hindering their ability to foster meaningful connections. To effectively "Look Under the Hood," it is essential to take a comprehensive inventory of one’s behaviors and motivations. This involves reflecting on past experiences and how they shape current actions, recognizing triggers that lead to negative behaviors, and understanding the emotional responses that accompany these actions. By doing so, individuals can begin to identify patterns and make conscious choices that align more closely with their true desires and values. This step isn't easy, as it will likely become increasingly clear the further a person delves into their own behaviors just how they have inadvertently prevented positive change in their lives in the past. This introspective journey can be quite challenging and may evoke a range of emotions, including discomfort and unease, as individuals confront the less flattering aspects of their actions and decisions. Recognizing these patterns is often an eye-opening experience that can serve as a catalyst for personal growth and transformation. However, it is crucial to approach this self-analysis with a sense of objectivity and compassion, ensuring that one does not fall into the familiar trap of self-blame or harsh judgment. Ultimately, the process of recognizing and addressing these behaviors is not merely about eliminating negative patterns; it is about fostering a deeper understanding of oneself and paving the way for healthier, more constructive habits that promote overall well-being and fulfillment. Embracing this journey with patience and perseverance can lead to profound personal growth and a renewed sense of purpose. Step #3: Decide Which Pain You Are Willing To Deal With Change, even healthy change, is difficult to implement. Getting outside of a comfort zone and trying something new can evoke feelings of insecurity and shame. There is a possibility this new change will not happen as fast as you would like and may take more effort than originally conceptualized. Take a common goal of getting healthier, which is something most people would like to do. Generally speaking, this can involve going to a gym, which usually comes with a financial burden. Then there is the time commitment. Lastly, comes the inevitable physical pain incurred when working out new muscles. All three of these represent a type of pain the individual must be willing to accept. To do so means a clear evaluation between this new pain and the pain of staying where they are currently. This is an aspect most people overlook as they have become accustomed to the pain they are currently living with. Someone with a fear of being rejected may avoid social interactions or ignore individuals who are reaching out to them. This is a type of pain, as they yearn for contact. Going to social events and talking to people can be painful as the percentage of initial failings is high. One must be willing to adopt this new type/level of pain in order to achieve the goal of establishing an effective social group. Individuals must be willing to accept the pain of rejection when asking someone out on a date. Sore muscles must be tolerated in order to gain strength. This final step is not easy and will likely require multiple tweaks to ensure success. Imagine engineers literally going back to the drawing board as they design a new product. Much in the same way will be an individual wishing to make changes.

"The problem with the world is the intelligent people are full of doubts and idiots have confidence." Though a certain level of self-doubt can help maintain balance, it typically acts as an obstacle. It might stem from a fear of either success or failure. Self-doubt prevents us from making positive changes in our lives, leading us to accept the 'status quo'. It's strange to consider that our own mind is responsible for this self-doubt through our inner critic. We might have one thought about how beneficial a positive change would be, yet another thought might question our ability to achieve it or predict a negative result. Both thoughts, however, originate from the same mind. Self-doubt is more than just the inner critic that whispers negative thoughts into our minds; it is a pervasive and often insidious force that can undermine our confidence and aspirations. This phenomenon is rooted in a complicated belief system that has been shaped by various experiences, societal expectations, and internalized narratives. These beliefs create a persistent doubt regarding our own abilities and skills, leading us to question our worthiness and potential. As a result, we often find ourselves dismissing our dreams and aspirations, regardless of any tangible evidence that supports our capabilities or past successes. This disheartening cycle can manifest in various aspects of life, including personal relationships, career ambitions, and creative endeavors. The only imaginable goal of self-doubt seems to be to keep us from experiencing genuine happiness and fulfillment. It acts as a thief, robbing us of any sense of enjoyment and preventing us from pursuing the things that truly matter to us. Instead of embracing opportunities and challenges, self-doubt encourages us to remain in our comfort zones, where we feel safe but ultimately unfulfilled. This internal struggle can lead to a myriad of negative emotions, such as anxiety, frustration, and even depression, as we grapple with the disconnect between our desires and our perceived limitations. Moreover, self-doubt can create a feedback loop, where the more we doubt ourselves, the less likely we are to take risks or try new things. This can lead to missed opportunities and stagnation in both personal and professional growth. The voices of self-doubt can become louder over time, drowning out our inner strengths and the encouragement we might receive from others. It is crucial to recognize that self-doubt is not an immutable part of our identity; rather, it is a challenge that can be confronted and overcome. By acknowledging its presence and understanding its origins, we can begin to dismantle the belief systems that fuel it, paving the way for a more empowered and fulfilling life. Would that suggest self-doubt comes from depression? This idea opens up a complex discussion about the intricate relationship between self-perception and mental health. Depression, a multifaceted mental health condition, often manifests not only as persistent sadness but also as a crippling sense of self-doubt that can permeate every aspect of an individual's life. Depression's one goal is to keep us mired in despair, creating a pervasive atmosphere of hopelessness that can be incredibly difficult to escape. The lethargy that often accompanies depression can morph into a sense of laziness, where even the simplest tasks feel insurmountable. Over time, this lethargy can evolve into a profound lack of drive or ambition, leading individuals to feel as though they are merely existing rather than truly living. Is it not safer to sit in your own misery rather than make the effort to make changes? This question reflects a common internal dialogue experienced by those grappling with depression. The fear of the unknown can be paralyzing; the prospect of taking action—whether it be pursuing a new job, engaging in social activities, or seeking help—can feel overwhelmingly daunting. After all, if you put forth all this effort and it fails, you will likely feel worse. This thought process is a powerful and deceptive narrative perpetuated by depression, convincing individuals that inaction is a safer bet than risking further disappointment or pain. At least, that is what depression wants you to think. It thrives on these negative thoughts, feeding off the belief that change is impossible and that the effort required to alter one’s circumstances is futile. This insidious cycle of self-doubt can create a feedback loop, where the lack of action reinforces feelings of inadequacy and despair. It becomes a vicious cycle, where the very condition that causes self-doubt also perpetuates the belief that one is unworthy of happiness or success. Understanding this relationship is crucial for breaking free from the chains of depression, as it highlights the importance of challenging those negative beliefs and recognizing that the path to recovery often involves taking small, courageous steps toward change, despite the fear of failure that may accompany them. Ultimately, self-doubt only increases depression. In order to believe in yourself and attempt positive change, you will have to move past depression.

Intimate partners consist of those individuals we feel a type of romantic love for and generally are the closest to us. This group typically includes spouses, paramours, and other partners with whom we share both emotional and physical contact. The relationships we cultivate with these individuals are often characterized by deep emotional connections that foster a sense of security, trust, and mutual understanding. These partners are not merely companions; they are confidants who share our dreams, aspirations, and vulnerabilities. Being in contact with these individuals brings fulfillment, as they provide support during challenging times and celebrate our successes with us. Their presence enriches our lives, contributing to our overall happiness and well-being. Conversely, their absence creates a profound sense of loss, often accompanied by feelings of loneliness and longing. The void left by an intimate partner can be difficult to navigate, leading to emotional turmoil and a reevaluation of one's identity and place in the world. The impact of such a loss can resonate across various aspects of life, affecting mental health, social interactions, and even physical well-being. Close friends/family are those individuals we actively choose to have in our lives. They are the friends we have made who represent a kinship and are often active in multiple aspects of our lives. Family is included in this category, with caution. This category consists of the family members we choose to associate with and generally desire to be around (not all family fits in this category). Friends in this category are often considered 'found family'. Associates are those individuals we see on a regular basis, either in a workplace environment or some level of regular social activity. These may be favored coworkers, fellow parents at child sporting events, regulars in bars, and other similar situations. These individuals are generally only seen in these environments, and there is little interaction outside of their designated location. They represent individuals we converse with and have a general fondness for, but lack deep emotional sharing. Well-wishers are those individuals with whom there is some level of interaction, but generally, personal information is not shared. These can consist of baristas, bartenders, instructors, or any other individual where superficial contact is present, but never any sharing of emotional content or other personal data. They are called well-wishers because you enjoy their presence and generally wish them well in life, but rarely have any real connection with them. Seen But Not Heard is a classification of individuals whom you may see regularly but do not talk to. This could be fellow gym members, students in your class, or coworkers who do not work in your department or floor. You see each other in passing enough that a wave or head nod may be warranted, but conversation never develops. All of these categories are important to have in life because they give a level of connection with others. They help us feel welcomed in environments, and they provide a level of familiarity our brain often craves. It has been touted that a relationship is not formed in the brain until after 10 hours of exposure to an individual, although some studies suggest this amount of time may be diminished if the individual is seen in two or more different locations. So what are Pararelationships? Pararelationships are one-sided relationships that occur when we have some level of access to an individual, but they do not have access to us (at least not to the same level). The best example of a pararelationship would be with celebrities and their audiences. Thanks to social media, we are able to follow a celebrity on multiple platforms where they can share different aspects of their personal life. Prior to social media, exposure to celebrities generally only occurred through the media they were famous for. Like Brad Pitt? Well, you were limited to his movies or occasional TV appearances. Now, however, celebrities often share their favorite meals, vacation photos, and even their political opinions. This is where a parasocial relationship occurs. After so much exposure, across multiple platforms, to a celebrity, our brains can start to over-associate with the individual. You may know some form of personal information about a celebrity that your friends have not heard. This tricks the brain into thinking there is a type of relationship. Try walking up to Sabrina Carpenter tomorrow and commenting about a post she made last week. If you are able to get a look at her expression before her security tackles you, you are likely to see some confusion and bewilderment. This is because Sabrina Carpenter has absolutely no idea who you are. Parasocial relationships can take a sinister turn, however, and the brain can become overly focused (i.e., obsessed) with the individual. Most stalking situations with celebrities are due to the stalker having a parasocial relationship with them. While most of us won't go to stalker level (hopefully), not checking in with your brain on how you are interpreting relationships can be very detrimental. The brain will have difficulty understanding a parasocial relationship exists and may be quite content with having multiple parasocial relationships with random celebrities online. While this will make the brain feel a kinship, it will not result in the other aspects actual relationships can deliver. So, how do you make sure you keep your parasocial relationships in check? First, monitor your social media time, especially with regards to 'following' celebrities. Make sure you stay reminded that most social media is curated to only show marketable activities and may not even be posted by the actual celebrity. Second, check your conversations for too much information about celebrities. If your social relations start to have a glazed-over look because you have been talking about Beyoncé for over 15 minutes, check yourself. Third, while it is great to be a fan of someone, make sure you accept they are people too and likely have many flaws, just like everyone else.

Sad to say, but most people have experienced trauma, in some form, throughout their life. Most people have a misconception of trauma or traumatic events as they often only consider events such as abuse, war, loss, or accidents. Let's consider those "T" traumas (Big T trauma). These involve extreme events which drastically alter the lives of those involved. Big T trauma often shakes our mental perspective to the core as they are often sudden events with few preceding events. There is another type of trauma involving changes to a person's safety or comfort. These can often present as prolonged events. Such examples can be a toxic work environment, the loss of employment, relationships ending, frequent arguments/fights with family, friends, or others. Let's call these "t" traumas (Little t traumas). It may be easy to dismiss these types of events as non-traumatic since they do not compare to the Big T events discussed earlier, but ignoring Little t trauma can have negative impacts on our current life. Let's take a moment to look at how our mind processes and copes with traumatic events. We have a certain level of anxiety instilled in our minds designed to help us avoid danger. Imagine a security guard watching monitors of our lives and trying to steer us away from danger when it can. Whenever a traumatic event occurs, our safety or well-being is jeopardized. Once this happens, the security guard in our mind becomes overactive to make sure we are never put in the traumatic situation again. It begins to see danger in more situations and often makes us avoid situations that could be dangerous. Before too long, our own monitoring agent is keeping us from socializing or going to work. If left unchecked, some people may avoid all social situations in order to prevent someone from hurting them. Some people may stop going outside because all they see are dangerous situations. Past traumatic relationships may keep us from starting new relationships for fear of future abuse or distress. Our own mental security guard will suggest avoiding any potentially harmful interactions or situations. The problem with this is, life is full of potential dangers, but life has other aspects besides danger. Yes, if you go to the grocery store, you might encounter all types of negative events, but you will also encounter positive events, too. Avoiding starting a romantic relationship will keep you from being harmed, but it also prevents you from feeling love from another. You may have been in a car accident, but to stop driving severely limits your freedom and ability to function. Talking to a mental health professional about past traumas, whether Big T or Little t, will help your mind appropriately deal with the event(s) without projecting the fear of future harm into your daily life.

Why do we have anxiety? Anxiety serves as a type of Lookout designed to look out for danger in our lives. Anxiety is the reason we look both ways before crossing a street or are hesitant to eat food that smells off. Anxiety, to some degree, explains why we are still alive. The issue occurs when anxiety gains too much control over our thoughts. Anxiety will always find 'danger' in our world, even if it is not really there or should not be listed as 'danger'. The more we listen to anxiety, the more it wiil find danger in our daily lives. Soon, danger exists everywhere, which is where things become concerning. Imagine your mental energy as the battery symbol on your phone. The more time you allow anxiety to operate, the more energy it drains from your mental energy. It would be like watching a movie on your phone, the battery will drain before the end of the day. Same goes for a mind preoccupied with anxiety, you are mentally drained before lunch. That is when depression can seep in. Depression is insidious because it uses your own inner voice to say very negative things. This can make it easier to believe, because it sounds like your own inner voice. For most of the time, we can ignore the negative comments or at least be able to counter them with a more realistic thought, when we have plenty of mental energy in our battery. If anxiety is draining your battery quickly, though, you will soon run out of resources to combat the negative self-talk. Once you start listening to the negative thoughts,depression sets in. This is when anxiety and depression will develop a detrimental cycle in your mind. Anxiety will cause excessive worry about deadlines and also cause self-doubt about life choices. Self-doubt will be enforced by the negative self-talk letting you know, 'You're not good enough." Depression will keep you from engaging in life activities and anxiety will freak out that nothing is being done. Anxiety will drain your energy and depression will relish in your lack of ability to fight it off. Before you know it, you are in a serious mindset where you beat yourself up and stress out over most things.